Matthew
18:15-20
Every
year, in preparation for Charge Conference, which is the annual administrative
meeting for the local congregation, and which is led by the District
Superintendent or her designee, the pastor of each local United Methodist
Church meets with the Staff/Parish Relations Committee to discuss how things
are going. As part of that, being United
Methodists and therefore doing things in a methodical way, we fill out forms
that ask questions that are designed to keep everybody focused on ministry and
to head off distractions and problems before they come up. Part of the covenant that the committee and I
have used for the past couple of years is headed “Conflict Resolution” and says this:
“Both
the pastor and the SPRC agree that in the upcoming year conflict(s) will be
resolved by using the following steps:
1.
Any conflicts will
first be addressed person-to-person at the first possible opportunity. If the
pastor feels the SPRC Chairperson or committee should be aware of the conflict
at that time he well let them know what is needed and appropriate.
2.
If the conflict is unresolved , he will then utilize the support of the
SPRC. The SPRC chairperson or another member, the pastor and involved parties
will meet to attempt at a satisfactory resolution. A written summary will be
provided to all parties.
3.
If the conflict remains unresolved by the pastor and SPRC, we will then
notify the District Superintendent or her designate who will be invited to
assist in resolution. A written summary will be provided to all parties.”
I’m glad to say we haven’t had to use this, but
I’m also glad that there is a clear way of proceeding if one was needed. I’m also glad that we didn’t have to develop
it, but borrowed the idea (with the addition of a written summary) from someone
who knows about conflict and conflict resolution: a man named Jesus.
It
begins with an assumption that it’s always best to make, even if it turns out
to be wrong. That is the assumption that
when there’s a conflict between people they will have the good will toward one
another that allows them to talk it over directly, one-on-one. Respect and trust are built into that approach,
and without those you are going to be stuck.
Respect and trust or their lack inform even the
most informal, brief relationships. Say
that a waitress puts a cup of lobster bisque soup down in front of someone
who’s allergic to shellfish. One possible
response is, “What’s this? Are you
trying to kill me?” Another is, “I’m
sorry, I think this is somebody else’s; I ordered the chicken gumbo.” Which of those will get the better
response? Which of those can anyone
build upon?
Then consider a more complex relationship, say
a marriage. On the one hand a concern
could be voiced as, “Why don’t you just sleep at the office? You’re never around when I want you.” On the other hand, it could be said, “You’re
working so much lately that I’m starting to miss you.” The same situation is being addressed, but in
different ways.
To approach someone with a grievance involves
some vulnerability. It says that
something is going on which is hurting you or could hurt you, and you are
trusting that somebody else doesn’t really want to do that – they just aren’t
aware. The other person may also be
called on to be somewhat vulnerable, admitting that they just didn’t notice
(which is to show a blind spot) or asking for understanding because of some
other factor. “I’m sorry I’ve been
working overtime. I’ve been worried
about being able to pay for a new car when this one dies.” Then there’s more work to be done around
discussing whatever needs talking over, but people are still expressing care
for one another, even if they don’t reach any kind of agreement right away.
In fact, sometimes that is such a difficult
situation that it helps to have a third party (someone that both people trust)
to help clarify what’s going on. Jimmy
Carter is a good example of that. Who
would ever have thought that someone who served one term as president would end
up as somebody so widely respected (there’s that word again, “respect”) that he
would have a new career as a peacemaker after four years as
Commander-in-Chief? It’s a role that
grows out of his Christian faith. In his
book Living Faith, he writes about
how having someone work with people who are involved in severe, sometimes
violent, conflict can move the situation toward a good outcome. He writes,
“Sometimes our peace efforts involve situations in which the
leaders refuse to deal with government officials. Another problem is that almost all of the
major wars now taking place in the world are civil conflicts, not hostilities
between sovereign nations. It is often
unfeasible for U.S. officials or UN representatives to communicate with a
revolutionary group attempting to change or overthrow a regime to which our
ambassador is accredited or which is a member of the United Nations. So it falls to representatives of The Carter
Center or other nongovernmental organizations to serve as the contact point
between the warring parties.”[1]
It’s interesting to note, here, just in case
you ever find yourself in that position – because these situations take place
on small-scale as well as on the world stage – that it is not the business of
the person trying to bring reconciliation to offer forgiveness. That would imply having taken a side. Jimmy Carter notes,
“Although forgiveness is taught in the Bible, I don’t draw a
parallel between this religious principle and the activities of The Carter
Center. We are not in the business of
forgiving anyone. We only attempt to
resolve crises and prevent the repetition or continuation of illicit acts.”[2]
Forgiveness,
in most cases, has to be a mutual thing by the time it has reached the point of
including a mediator. Even if there is
wrong on only one side, there is often bitterness on both. Forgiveness has to come from the people
involved in the conflict themselves in order to restore the relationship.
It may also be, and this is the sad
part, that reconciliation does not happen.
Not all stories have a happy ending.
There are angry words we speak and regret before the sentence has
reached its end. Once they’re said,
they’re said. “I take it back,” only
goes so far. There are people who are
more interested in holding onto a grievance than working through it. There’s a poem by Stephen Crane that goes,
“In the desert
I saw a creature,
naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the
ground,
Held his heart in his
hands,
And ate of it.
I said, ‘Is it good,
friend?’
‘It is bitter –
bitter,’ he answered;
‘But I like it
‘Because it is bitter,
‘And because it is my heart.’”
That,
I’m sorry to say, is part of human nature.
Have you known that person? Have
you tried to reach them? Maybe you have
done all that you could and you have been pushed away. There is no way to force someone to forgive
you, although you can offer the most sincere repentance, or get them to accept
forgiveness even when you offer it from the depths of your soul.
Sometimes, therefore, even Jesus
said you might have to move on. Hear the
process again all the way to the conclusion.
“If another member of the church sins against
you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member
listens to you, you have regained that one. But
if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that
every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to
them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the
church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” [Matthew
18:15-17]
Remember,
though, how Jesus viewed and treated Gentiles and tax collectors. He made a Samaritan the good guy in one of
his most pointed parables and healed the daughter of a Phoenician woman and the
servant of a Roman centurion. He called
a tax collector named Matthew to become part of his inner circle and stayed at
the house of another, named Zacchaeus.
Moving on does not mean slamming the
door shut. It means not being ruled or
defined by the harm that you have done or that has been done to you. If someone will not hear forgiveness from you,
express it through God. “Lord, if no one
else will listen, you will. I forgive
John Doe, and ask forgiveness in return.
All this is in your hands now.
Help me to learn from my mistakes, to repeat whatever I have done right,
and to live like Jesus. Amen.” Then get on with life.
I’ll
quote Jimmy Carter just one more time here, in closing. He says,
“For me, sharing any
problem through prayer provides a powerful element of calm and
objectivity. Then, when I might fear or
regret the consequences of a choice I have made, an awareness of the presence
of the Spirit of God can give me courage.
John says that Christ knows us all (John 2:24), and Paul reminds us that
nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:39).”[3]
Amen
to that.
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